Decisions, Decisions.

Dear Reader,
Okay guys, this is a hard one for me. For you to fully understand what all I have been through and the decision I am faced with, I will start from the beginning.

When I was twelve years old, Santa brought me my very first period on Christmas Eve. When I was sixteen, Santa brought me a very painful cyst on my ovary on Christmas Day, resulting in an E.R. visit.

As a little girl, I wanted nothing more than to grow up to be a mommy. I had a great appreciation for women and their round belly pregnancies. I would stuff a pillow up my shirt and stare at myself endlessly in the mirror. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost seven years now, but when you have poly cystic ovary syndrome and endometriosis, things can be very aggravating and devastating.

About two years ago, I had been bleeding for two months straight. It was a painful experience. I went to see my gynecologist, Dr. H. On this visit, he said that I had qualified for a hysterectomy quite some time ago. Of course I was tired of this endless cycle of misery, (no pun intended) we scheduled the surgery that day. My next day at work I was telling a co-worker about my decision and she influenced me not to go through with it. We prayed together. I cancelled my surgery, and after much more praying, my cycles got better and hubby and I started trying again. No luck. Almost four months ago it started again and hasn't stopped.

This time, it has been much more painful and heavy with lots of clotting. I have an appointment with Dr. H. on August 9th and I am scared of what I will hear this time. My husband and I have talked about the fact that I may need to go through with the hysterectomy this time. We talked about everything a few nights ago and he said he was tired of seeing me in pain and that there is always adoption. While I know this, my dream of carrying a child is crushed? The very next morning, I woke up and turned the t.v. on and to my surprise Dr. Oz was on and guess what the topic was? The number one surgery not to have! I watched this show, open-mouthed. It's a sign! Yes, I know that it may still need to happen, but if Dr. H. suggests a hysterectomy again, I WILL visit another doctor for a second opinion.

Well, thats really all I have for now, I will keep y'all posted on my doctor's visit and any outcomes that will be determined. Please pray for me, I need all I can get.

With Love,

Got my nails did

Dear Reader,
So today I went to get my nails did with my brother in tow. I was in such desperate need of a fill-in, I bounced in the shop, (not my normal shop) picked out my loverly color and was on my way to pretty-nail-land again.

After my nails have been buffed and I am sent off to wash my hands of acrylic debris and cuticle oil, its time to get them polished! *squee!* As the first coat of polish is applied, I notice a hair (not mine...eek!) on my half-polished thumbnail! I make it a point to show my non-english-speaking nail tech. by making a sound of sorts, but all he does is paint over it! UGH! Whatever, I have the same color at home, I will take care of this myself. I'm just happy to have my nails did. I lead quite the exciting life, eh?

With Love,

10% Tanning tax is racism?

Dear Reader,
This post may tick some of you off, but it is something that needs to be said. By now, I'm sure most of you may have heard about the "10% Tanning Tax" that began on July 1st. I think this is one of our governments best ideas! Why is everyone getting so worked up, anyway? If you can't afford this meager ten percent, then you probably should be spending your money more wisely anyhow.

Most of you don't know that I am a melanoma survivor. I grew up around beaches, as I was a military brat, and yes, even spent a little time in tanning beds when I was younger. My diagnosis of melanoma was a very scary experience, It wasn't just some "sun spots" that could be cut off. My cancer was so deep that when I had surgery to remove it, I was left with almost a four inch scar across my shoulder blade, and it is not pretty! The melanoma had spread to my lymph nodes under my left arm, which resulted in my doctor having to remove twenty-two of them, that scar isn't so pretty either. Then, guess what? Chemotherapy. I had to experience that five days a week for six weeks in office and the remainder of the year with at-home injections three times a week. I don't want pity or sympathy, I want people to know just how far vanity and stupidity can take you.

The part that just makes me so sick is the fact that people are using this new tax law for their own advertising! Saying things such as 'Tired of paying tanning taxes? Join our gym and never be taxed for it again because we have FREE tanning!' Guess what guys? You are STILL paying taxes to tan because you can't expect us to be paying for your gym taxes too, right? By that I mean when I had cancer, I didn't expect for tax-paying citizens to pay for my chemotherapy just because I had not protected my skin all those years. Get real. Somebody has to help fund this health care bill. And that, my friends, is where the majority of the money will end up. Don't like it? Don't fake and bake. It has to be better being pale or using sunless tanners than being orange anyway. Plus, it speeds up the aging process and your wrinkles will appear before they should, but botox can fix that right up...oh yeah, thats being taxed also.

*Steps down from her soap box*

I don't want anyone to have to go through what I went through, even though, it could have been worse. If not caught in time, I could have died. Please, I ask you to wear your sunscreen.

With Love,


P.S.
Please stop calling this tax 'racism' and the 'white people tax'. That is taking it a little too far.

Adoration and Infatuation

Dear Reader,
In my last post I mentioned a certain look of adoration I have been receiving. Sure, It's nice to be noticed and all that, but today was an awkward one.

I was in my car on my lunch break and my co-worker, we will call him 'D', shows up. He is off today, but came by and noticed I was there. He pulls his car around to where I'm parked, gets out of his and walks up to my window to chat. He starts to somewhat reveal his feelings for me. He tells me I'm pretty, I say "no I'm not, but thank you". He asks me to come to his house and we can get "shit-faced". He knows good and well that I'm married, as is he. I politely decline his invitation.

In the next car over, there is another co-worker of mine on her lunch hour as well. D leans into my car and asks, "kiss?" I say, "D! No, there are people around", and I blush. We know all too well how people in the workplace can talk up a storm about what they may or may not have seen. D and I did not kiss, nor would I for that matter. I don't need any kind of rumors being spread about something that is not happening.

With Love,

The 'N' word.

Dear Reader,
Only until recently have I been looked at of some adoration. I know, I'm thirty and have never seen anyone look at me that way, not even my husband. Now, the look of lust,that look I have seen, ha ha. No, I'm not cheating.There is this older man at work who is also married, but is on the verge of a divorce. I haven't egged him on in any way, and we are just work aqquaintances, however, he would like our "friendship" to be more, just not in so many words.How do I tell him to back off nicely? He isn't too forward,yet. Oh dear, this could turn out to be very bad!


I happen to be a very friendly person,and hate to say "no" to anyone for fear that I may disappoint. Take jack for instance, he is also a coworker of mine and also a neighbor, (seriously, he lives two doors down from me!). He is ALWAYS asking me for rides and such. Jack recently wrecked his car and he feels it is everyone elses responsibility to get him from point A to point B. At first, it was just a ride to the gas station, then it was "I need to got to the hospital, I think I have pnemonia". (Ten minutes before I was scheduled to be at work, *eye roll*) My husband and I drive a 14 year old car that, yes, we are still paying on, but almost through. We discussed the topic of selling it to Jack and paying off the car and using the rest of the money to put a down payment on something newer. (My bright husband told Jack he would look for a car for him to buy,and Jack is/was dependant on that. He wasn't looking for a car himself in the least bit.) So anyway, we decided it wasn't a good idea after all, and made several attempts to let Jack know that we had changed our minds. Jack would never answer his door, and when I would see him at work I could never bring myself to tell him about our newest decision.

A few days ago,Jack is quizzing me on my schedule when I see him at work, he needs a ride somewhere, no doubt. He starts in on how his insurance company has settled everything and he is ready to buy my car, a.s.a.p., like last wednesday...ha ha! So,I just blurt it out that my husband is leaving for three weeks and that car is my only means of transportaion. He starts to get all huffy and puffy about it and says, "well, I don't know if I can wait three whole weeks!" (Holla!) It's not my fault you can't drive and wrecked your car! Just when I think this conversation is over, "Can I borrow THE car at twelve on wednesday?",(mind you, I was going to be at work...) just like that, he asks. Like it's OUR car or something! I sort of told him no? I told him that I didn't think that would be a great idea, since I don't have insurance on the car. (WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?)

Fast forward to yesterday. I'm pulling into a parking spot at my apartments, and out walks Jack. Oh geez, what now?! Stalker. I just wanna get into my home and relax. Jack walks straight to my car and says "Can you run this set of keys back up to work, I'll give you five bucks, matt,(a manager) needs them to close up tonight," I'm having a semi-conversation with my brother on the phone and he is diligently trying to hang up with me, I say, "do you just want me to meet you at your house?" My brother is a little confused, asking "who are you talking to?!" "Jack, I can't, I have plans." "Please, ten bucks?" "I can't Jack, I'm not even heading that way". Jack stares at me with disappointment (like I care) and says "ok well,bye" The truth is, I wouldn't have done it for twenty bucks, nor did I care if he watched my car all night waiting to see if I really was leaving. I said NO, and that was that, well I said "No" in NOT so many words...heh.

My point is, I cannot say no, I always find myself making up these horrible little lies to avoid the confrontation, or disappointment. However, I feel no guilt. And why should I? This fool is old enough to be my grandfather. He is a big boy and can take a cab ride, he makes more than I do! (I cash his paychecks, so I know.) Anyways, I know I'm not the only one with this so-called problem, but how do I get over saying the 'N' word without fretting and racking my brain for a quick-fix lie?

With Love,

You mean I have to do what?!

Dear Reader,
My husband is leaving this Sunday for three weeks, yep, I said THREE weeks! UGH! Who will I torment untill his return!? Corey has been unemployed for a few months now, and he has decided to start driving a truck for a living again. So, to do that, he has to go back to school to get re-certified, but the good news is that he will have a CDL license and is supposed to be guaranteed a job in Birmingham when he completes this program.

Of course we will talk on the phone every night,I'm really bummed because this will be pretty much the longest that we will have spent away from each other in our marriage. The saddest part is...I will have to tend to the litter box...eekk! Oh, and I'll miss him too, but isn't there some kind of service I can hire to do that for me? I loath the litter box! Plus, we have this deal...I do the grocery shopping, he does the laundry and cooks. This is because I am an obsessed with clipping coupons and almost always having a coupon for everything I buy and This embarasses him. Couponing really is like a time consuming job. Another annoying reason he does the laundry is that we live in a studio apartment, which has no washer/dryer connections, so we...errm he travels about two or three miles down the road to take care of that. What? I travel the same distance to buy our groceries, so we split up the responsibilities around here. It sure beats arguing about it. Did I mention I loathe the litter box?

Anyway, I love my husband, and I will surely miss him, but I know the time will fly by. Also, I know that we have to make some sacrifices to get ahead in life. With the economy the way it is, we feel that we have no choice in the matter, plus his school is being paid for, thank god. Thats all for now, y'all. You will hear some ranting from me soon enough! ;)

With Love,

Blueberries

Dear Reader,
Okay, so a few weeks back I wanted some pancake mix, blueberry to be exact. Now, I understand that there are 'imitation' blueberries in it, but I wanted it, so I bought the mix. And it was good. However, I've been having this weird dream about,not the mix itself, but blueberries. I am not one that usually remembers her dreams, it's rare if I do and the dreams are always in bits and pieces, so lets see if we can make sense of this.

I'm sleeping and someone is demanding some breakfast, (who, I can't figure this out, maybe my cats are hungry?) then I am alarmed to find that blueberries are being tossed at me. One by one, I can feel them being pelted at me, it's annoying. I am then left trying not to squish these strewn blueberries with my feet, or lay on them, (since I am in bed). The very thought of puncturing one or more blueberries is frightening, so I get up slowly, as if to tip-toe around egg shells, and make my way to the bathroom where I look in the mirror and I am covered in blueberry stains, but it looks like blood.

I'm in the shower, trying to come clean of these stains, but I keep tasting the blueberry taste. I then wake up to find Oscar, my new kitten, suckling at my arm like he is trying to find a nipple so he can nurse. Oscar runs away when I make him realize that I am not cat-mommy, but that sucking sound remains imbeded in my memory.

This makes no sense at all, but it is a bit humorous to me. If any of you can shed some light as to why I would be dreaming about something so odd, please share.

With Love,